Before and After...so far!

Greta dug deep and found me some great before pictures to reference! The problem with being so overweight is you try to exclude yourself from all pictures. So the only pictures you are left with are the ones others take that you aren't even aware of. They are the worst of all. :) But, I'm still proud and I still did it all by myself! I've dropped my BMI by 12 points and 85 pounds lost!! Yahooo!

ER Trip

Yesterday we couldn't get C's asthma under control so we had to pack up and go to the emergency room. It was very nerve wracking! She was coughing so much that she vomited. We just couldn't get her to catch her breath. She wasn't able to even keep a thermometer in her mouth after the nebulizer and the inhaler. We were there very late and sent home finally. She has a resperitory virus that is triggering the asthma. That's why we are having such a hard time controlling it. Ugh. I hope she starts to feel better soon because I didn't get much sleep. I was so worried she'd start up again last night.

I can't stand my Grandmother

I just talked with my grandmother and I am beyond fuming mad. I can't talk to my parents because it will hurt and upset them and they don't need that right now. I need to get it out. I have to take you back a year or two for this to make sense. February of 05 I had my gallbladder out in emergency surgery. Syd was sleeping over at my grandmother's house that night and when my Dad called to let Syd know that I was having surgery, my grandmother and my aunt riled up Syd and told her that I had known about it and left her out of the loop. Annoyed The next day when I was being discharged from the hospital my grandmother was going to let syd go out with my aunt to go shopping without ever checking with Kevin since I was out of it. Kevin had called and said as soon as I get Aggie settled I'm coming for Syd. We found out that she was just going to do what she wanted anyways and my Dad went over and took Syd home to me and yelled at my grandmother. 3 days later Gram asked if she could come over to see me. Kevin told her I didn't want any visitors and I was resting. That when I wanted visitors I would call her. She then talked to my Dad that morning and he told her the same thing. She showed up at the door to my Dad's, where I was staying, with cookies hoping that would get her in the door. My Dad lost it! He completely lost his cool and screamed at her that I was sick and didn't want anyone around and slammed the door on her face. Not nice and he has apologized since then for it. He felt like he was stuck between a rock and a hard place taking care of me and the girls while kevin worked and she was invading my space.
Fast forward to fall of that year when someone leaked to my grandmother and aunt that my dad has prostate cancer. My Dad didn't want to tell them because they tell everyone in the world about everything and were spreading rumors that my dad had mental issues and that's why he was mad at my Grandmother for trying to bust in and give syd to someone she knows I don't let Syd go with.

Friday, we found out my Dad's cancer has spread to his spine. Sad We are beyond upset and devastated. It feels like we keep taking steps backwards. My Mom told my Grandmother Sunday that he had cancer in his spine. We thought she was learning because she asked my Mom if she minded if my aunt knew too.

I talked to Gram today and she was talking about how happy she is that my mom talked to her and that it's been obvious that something was going on and that this explains so much. I told her that we just found out Friday. She said oh yeah well didn't your dad have cancer last year. I said yes it's the same cancer it's spread in to his bones. I'm so pissed that she's taking so much glee from this! She loves a tragedy and wants to be kept in the loop. Annoyed

Thank you if you made it this far. I'm just so upset about my Dad and that someone out there is happy that he's sick. He's an amazing, friend, husband, father and grandfather. He's done everything for my grandmother up until the gallbladder surgery. She makes me so mad and angry. I hope this even made sense as I'm so mad trying to type it out!

I feel like I'm in a movie...

We had the appointment with the oncologist today. My Mom, Dad, A and I all went. A was a sport! She ate her snacks and colored in her book. She was as she said she would be "Quiet as a mouse."

We did the standard blood draw and health checks. Even though I missed the last appointment and it was my first time meeting Dr. T. I could tell when he came in the room that a black cloud had followed him in. He shook our hands and said hello to everyone before sitting down. He said he had the results of my Dad's tests. The CAT scan showed abnormalities in his spine. The radiologist had called Dr. T. right away. The room spun and kind of warped at the edges. I had to fight to regain control. I knew I was going to be the one taking in the most of the information. How could they be doing better than I was? He went on to say the bone scan confirmed the CAT scan results and the cancer has spread to his back.

He's going to start hormone therapy today...I just can't write more now.

Sing it loud and sing it proud! 75 pounds lost!!

Here's to the good posts! The kind that make us feel warm and fuzzy and happy!! I'm going to post pictures to note my weight loss so far. I walk a lot and just eat s-l-o-w-l-y. That's it. I don't not eat something I want to eat, because it will make me want it even more. So I'm patting myself on the back. Here's to 75 pounds lost in the last year!
Here's an unflattering picture from my biggest.

And here is at my sister's wedding. I've lost 10 more pounds since then so I'm a wee bit smaller. I bought size 18 jeans and they are starting to slip down a bit lately. :D



Woohoo!!! I can't wait to be able to say I've lost 100 pounds! :D

She left him...again

G left her husband last night. I guess he's been cheating on her. She's known about it for two weeks and they were doing marriage counseling. Yesterday she found out he's still been in contact with the girl. So everyone trooped up to her house. Well, not everyone. His parents and my Dad. They've only been married 4 months. Gee, I really didn't see this coming. *insert sarcasm* She left the baby too. She moved in to my parent's house and left the baby with him. There is no way I could leave my baby. Even if it meant making him sleep on the couch or me so I could still see her morning and night. I'm so glad I'm not in the middle of that mess! She hasn't told me anything yet. My Mom and Dad told me about it. Last time she decided to get back together with him I told her that rescuing her 5 times from the same guy in two years is too much for me. I told her that I still care for her, but for my own self preservation I couldn't be a yo-yo and continuously watch her return for more.

Alone

I feel so alone. I have so much going through my head and I don't feel like there is anyone to talk with. The four people closest to me are my parents, K and L. L is across the country and as much as I know she'd like to can't reach out and hug me. I can't talk with my parents, they have enough on their plate and are already leaning on me. K is always there for me, but sometimes when things get really bad I can't talk to him. I know he'll listen and be there and support me, but it's harder to talk to him because I break down and sob when he holds me. I can let everything go when he's there. And sometimes it's harder. I'm reminded of Julien's burial and how we couldn't look at each other with out sobbing. We held hands and knew we were there for each other, but somehow looking into each others eyes meant falling apart and down together.

Medical Oncologist

My Dad had the appt with the MO today. It's not too good. He feels my Dad is symptomatic already. Which is what we have feared and the PCP was unsure about. He will be undergoing several tests over the next couple of weeks to see where the cancer is and if we can see it yet. Bone scan, MRI and something else that I can't remember right now. The MO wants him to do 18 months of chemotherapy coupled with 18 months of hormone therapy. :( He's so miserable already. I can't imagine what he's going to go through for the next year and a half. Hot flashes, hair loss, nausea, vomiting, breast tissue growth, osteoporosis...etc. I just am at a loss. This is the bad thing we didn't want to think about. This is the way we prefered not to think about it. The way you decide... "Well, I'm not going to think about it until I know if it is going to happen. There's no sense getting myself worked up about it if I don't know yet if it's going to happen."

I'm so sad for my Mom and my Dad. I'm sad for me and my girls. I'm just sad and hating the world again. Back to crying and screaming why?! in the shower again...

What a beautiful day!!! It's 73 sunny and a little windy. WOW! I love fall.

It's so cold!

I'm sitting in bed working as usual during nap time and A decided to nap on the couch today. I'm so cold with out her warm sleeping body pressed up against me while I work! At night I have K in here and during the day it's A. Brrrr. I guess I'm going to have to get a blanket. :)

My New to Me Camera

Check out this deal! I had one of these cameras back in HS. My Dad had bought it in the 70s and gave it to me for use in Photography. I found this one with the case, lenses, cleaning supplies and the camera for free on craigslist!!! Yahooo!!! I'm so excited! I believe my old teacher will let me go in and use his black room. I can't wait!!

Pain in the butt!

We were babysitting J again yesterday. A and I had lots of fun. Yesterday afternoon we were reading stories and trying to get J to say my name. Aaaagggie...Aaaaaggggiee. Here's the conversation A and I had with J.
"A what's my name?
"Mommy!"
"But, what's my real name?"
"Aggie!"
"What does Daddy call me?"
"Pain in the butt!"
Followed by everyone laughing and K giving her a high five. :) Out of the mouths of babes. :)

First day of school!

Today was C's first day of kindergarten. She has school from 8:30 to 2:25. She did great! This morning was a little worrisome. She was excited all morning including the walk to school. Then she freaked out and hid under the stroller for about five minutes. After that she clung to my neck, literally I didn't have to support her weight she just held on. When the teacher came out she didn't want to get in the line at all! She did and kept looking back at me with the what is going on look on her face. The girl behind her in line, Bianca, started crying and C didn't know what to do. Her eyes filled with tears and she said "I'm going to be ok. . . You'll be right here when I get out. . . I'm going to make friends." And she did!! Her two favorite friends of the day are Tequila, like the drink, and Bianca. She's excited to go back on Wednesday. No school tomorrow for voting.

A loved the alone time with me. As soon as she got up this morning she was asking to drop the girlfriends off at school. She told them this after school. "I got Mama time allllll day! There weren't any other kids! All Mama all day!" Of course it was said in A's words that stutter and get switched up, but come on! :D

Tree on truck, dog destroyed house

It's been a hell of a weekend. We got Hurricane Hanna last night. It was a lot of fun. It flooded so much that we live on one of the highest points in the city and had a foot deep water in the backyard!! The girls, K and I played and danced in the downpours. It was great fun! This morning we woke up to a tree on K's truck. Uh-oh! Luckily it only destroyed two of his ladders. The truck doesn't even have a scratch on it! Lucky!

Jelly escaped from her crate while we were at my Mom's today. I can't even tell you the mess we had when we got home! Pee, shit and wrappers covering the kitchen and living room. Also, mud tracks in the tub. I don't know what the hell she was thinking! When we are home with her she wouldn't get in to nearly any of this trouble. Why did we want to have the kids grow up with a dog! :)

Another day...Another dollar...

I had the five kids again yesterday. The day definitely went by quickly! I spent the morning at my Grandmother's with the 5 of them. In the afternoon I brought them all to the hair salon to get S, C and R's hair cut. That was an expedition!

I'm excited to only have the regular four today. It's funny how that happens, that suddenly four is a piece of cake. We have some chores to do this morning, then some things that I've been trying to get done, but have been too busy. :)

Boy are my arms tired!

Last night while K and I were making dinner there was a knock on the door. It was my cousin that I haven't seen in a year. We was in a bad way and had no one to watch his daughter today because his girlfriend is very sick and he needs the money to work. He came over with his head hung asking if I could help and watch J today. Obviously I said yes, but boy are my arms tired!

R slept over again last night, so I was starting the day with 4 kids and going up to 5 by 8. Poor J was so sad this morning. I was the first sitter she's ever had other than her mom, dad and grammy. She's 12 months old and weighs 34 pounds. She is adorably huge. She was so sad today that I had no choice but to hold her and try to comfort her. She is a love and warmed up to us quickly, but got startled by the noise of my house. How do you prepare an only child and grandchild for this kind of noise?! :)

We went to C's friends house today for a play date. It's really a play date for all of us since I really like her mom. We had 10 kids between us today that we were taking care of. And you know what? It really wasn't bad. The day flew by and the house is clean and my arms are sore.

Bring on tomorrow!

I'm the broken doll...

Do you remember those dolls everyone had when we were kids? The ones that shut their eyes when you laid them horizontally? I had one or two growing up and I always had the dolls with the broken eyes. I'd lay her down and one eye would stay locked open while the other twitched somewhere between closed and open. My sister's doll would be sleeping peacefully next to my twitchy awake doll. It's become a theme in my life.
Every night I do the same things to get myself ready for bed. There is the standard face washing and teeth brushing, but in my case it's also taking my sleeping pills and doing mediation in the hopes that I will get some sleep. I wait until I'm dead tired before heading to bed or it's not even worth trying to sleep. K is one of those people that lay down and his eyes close and within a minute, sometimes less, he's sound asleep for the night. I'm the broken doll. I try so hard to sleep, but there always seems to be an eye that doesn't agree and lays there twitchy and waking up the rest of my body. Better yet I'm the version with the shaky legs too! Why can't I just lay down and sleep like other people. I need sleep just like everyone else and would really relish it!
The other night when I was laying in bed with one eye closed and the other half I started computing my sleep for the week. It occurred to me that I clean many more hours a week than I sleep. That's awful! I'm going to be one of those people that spend 1/3 of their life cleaning instead of sleeping!

I want to be well!

I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I've been not feeling well. I don't seem to be getting better. Kevin's boss was nice enough to put me on the insurance sooner. Yay! So I went to the dr Tuesday. They are checking for problems with my liver and other blood tests. I am also being sent to the GI doc and a neurologist for my migraines. Oh yeah and I have an infection in my kidneys. I'm so tired all the time! I can't make the kids dinner. I keep trying to drag myself out of bed to do chores or just play with them and I end up back in bed with my girlfriends hanging with me since I can't hang with them. ARRRGH! Hopefully soon we get some answers and I can start living!

Happy Birthday Julien

How can it have been four years already since I held my only baby boy? How can it be so much longer until I hold him again? I know you are around Julien. I feel you and I've caught a glimpse lately. Daddy has too. We miss you so very much! Nothing in this world or any other could stop us from holding you again. My heart breaks every time I think of not hugging you and snuggling in to the top of your head. I miss you. I really want to celebrate your birthday, like we do with your sisters. It's so hard for me to. I want to celebrate that I had even a chance to spend with you. I'm just so wrapped up in what I'm missing with you. I want to see you blow out candles on your cake. Open presents and smile and laugh. Those are my always unanswered wishes. Just to hold you and love you . It seems that lately even forming words out loud or typing them out is difficult. I've become a bit of a recluse in my head and heart. Today as always I will think of you. I am forever grateful for your sisters. For without them I don't know if I'd still be walking this earth. The pain of losing you is so much. It makes my heart ache for those that have lost their babies as children or adults. The pain they must feel!

Your sisters are in the kitchen eating breakfast and playing with the dog and cat. I can hear them giggling and teasing each other. This morning I picture you out there with them. Laughing and squealing. I'd love to hear one of them tattle on you. I'd love to see all the things you'd get in to. But I will spend the rest of my life having never seen your smile. In my heart I know what you look like smiling and lately I feel like that picture is getting clearer. Is that you? Tonight when Daddy comes home I'll picture what your relationship would have been with him. The two of you teamed up against all us girls. It would have been such fun. I hope you are enjoying watching us grow and learn. We wish we could watch you too.

I will always love you! I'm crying too much to continue. I'll write again soon.
Love,
Mommy

Locks of Love

Where oh where has my little brain gone?

Let's start with last week. It was Tuesday when I got the call. I was spending the day with A and C playing in my parents' yard and doing yard work for the bridezilla wedding.
"Yes?" I answered.
"Hey, Baby. I'm either on my way to Occupational or the hospital. I think I broke my ankle." K said.

Great! I threw the bambinos in the truck and took off for the park to meet bridezilla and have her watch them while I went to the ER to wait for K. It took him a long time to get there from the other east side of the state. Thankfully his ankle was just badly sprained. We were all surprised that it wasn't broken. It was UGLY! So off we went with K on crutches and not able to put any weight on his ankle.

Thursday was better. We picked S up from school and took off to Monica's for her hair cut. She cut 10.5" off! We put it in a ponytail and mailed it off with love to locksoflove.org. She saw the pictures on the website the week before and decided she needed to do it.
"My hair really is pretty. I think I should cut it off so someone can make a wig out of it. If I lost my hair, I'd be really happy to get a wig."

Way to go S! My hat is off to you! I'm so proud of you!

I'll update with pictures soon. I'm hoping to be able to upload today.

I've started millions of new projects these past weeks too. I don't have R anymore, so I have so much free time. I've been doing yard work, yard work and even more yard work. I'm making my tiny beds in the front of the house wrap around the house and replanting the hills in the front. I'm also digging out our old foundation in the back of the house. It was a garage about 75 years ago, but now it's just the foundation. It's covered in weeds and dirt, but about 6" down is concrete! K's truck is never going to get stuck in the mud again! Yay!

I've also started on my parent's anniversary present. I found this old beat up rocking chair on the side of the road. I'm scraping all the paint off of it and then I'm going to fill in the little cracks with wood putty and repaint. K and I are going to paint Japanese Cranes on the back and I'm going to make a cushion. They will be married for 35 years this August. The 35th anniversary is represented by coral, jade and sea theme. My cranes fit in since they do sometimes reside at the sea in Eastern Asia. They are the most rare bird with only about 1500 left in the world. The best part, they mate for life. I can't think of a better tool to represent their years together. I took a before picture, so I'll put it on here too for you (L) to see! It has great shape and will be awesome when we get it done!

P.S. I miss you(L) a lot! I'm hoping to find more time on the computer soon! If not you'll be seeing my area code on the caller ID a lot! :D

My other life

Sometimes I envision another life for myself. I'm going back to school this year to pursue a degree or two. When I was talking to the admissions counselor she asked me what I wanted to enroll in. That's the question that has been plaguing me for some time now. What do I want to be when I grow up? The question seemed simpler when I was a teenager and had unlimited choices. Now? I don't know. I'd love to be a doctor or maybe even a lawyer. Not the lawyer in the courtroom, but the type that fights behind the scenes. Those options just aren't there for me anymore. I could still be anything I want to be, but now there are other people in the equation. To be a doctor or a lawyer would require so many long days that I'd miss out on the girls growing up. It's not something I'm willing to lose. So while I really can be anything I want, what I want has changed.

I'm starting with an associates degree in psychology for now. That will get me through the next two years and leave me with a degree that I can utilize to transfer to a local school. Two years? Wow that's all it will be before my baby is in kindergarten. My baby! I'll be able to pursue the next degrees during the day while my ladies are at school. It sounds a bit scary, but so worth it!

Glitter and Sparkles

Doing projects with my girls is a great way to spend just about any day. Usually we do a craft at least once a day in our house. My girls can find a use for glitter in every craft. The only down side is we go through it faster than a gallon of milk, so we don't always have it stocked.

I have found that glitter seldom leaves the house. No matter what piece of cardboard, construction paper or Easter eggs they leave on they always find their way home to us. It is as if the glitter fairy collects all of our lost glitter and drops it back off here. A week after using glitter I find it still in the grout in the kitchen. I think the vacuum might be against picking up glitter. Some of the dishes are still coming out of the dishwasher with hints of glitter stuck to them. I seem to always have a sparkle or twenty stuck to my face somewhere.

I like to think that there is karmic retribution for everything we do. Maybe all the sparkles and glitter come back to me because I'm always sending it out there in the world. That's alright because my whole family will always sparkle!

New blankets and names

My eldest daughter and by far the most mature for her age has decided that her name doesn't suit her. Either that or after an excruciatingly long 8 years she has grown tired of it and is ready for a new name. Yesterday she informed me that we will no longer be able to call her Sydney. Her new name is Alice. As in Alice in Wonderland or her middle name.

I suppose you might think that would be worrisome to the parent that spent many hours scouring baby name books and trying to come to an agreement with a partner. It really is not. I admire her strength and think it is a great way for her to express herself at this age. The trick is not forgetting and calling her the name I know her by.

My husband asked if when we are referring to a memory of when she is younger if we should say Sydney or Alice? I thought about it and decided that that if she had sex reassignment surgery we wouldn't disrespect her and call her by the other name, so Alice it is.

I wonder what the Easter Bunny will think of the name change so soon to his departure? Will her basket say Sydney or Alice? Maybe it will just have a smiley face because he thinks it's as cute and normal as we do.

Does anybody care?

I'm so sick of dealing with the problems of others. I know that it's of my own doing since until recently I welcomed people with broken wings in to my life. I wanted to help them, encourage them and inspire them. I've come to realize that it's only the people that truly want to change and be helped that can benefit from it.

I've tried to help some of the people in my life for years. They call and I go running. I'm always bailing someone out of a situation they need help in. Let me ask this, if I continue to help them and they continue to go back, who is really the one not learning? Some people are creatures of habit and seem to have a love of despair or poor treatment. Who am I to stop them?

I've started angling my need to help in to other venues. I'm getting to help people or animals that need and want the help. It soothes my soul much better than watching someone repeatedly getting hurt and wanting my sympathy, shoulders and advice. I don't have the time or the patience to help everyone so I have to stick with the ones that I can actually make a difference in.

Now, how do I stop them from thinking I'll still solve all of their problems? Maybe if I keep being honest with myself and them they will start to step up to the plate or get out of the ballpark.

When stop isn't enough

What do you do when someone you don't want around your children continues to show up everywhere you are? If they only live two miles from your house how do you feel safe bringing your children to the grocery store?

We have family members that were once part of our lives that are no longer considered family. They threatened to hit our children and continuously put our oldest in dangerous situations. When a son's feelings and point of view aren't enough to stop and they continue to threaten there aren't many alternatives left. We had to tell them if they couldn't agree to seeing our children at our house under our conditions then visitation wouldn't exist for them anymore. They chose not to see them. They still five years later feel we wronged them for not wanting our children hit like their own children were.

Today while playing with the girls outside Syd's school I was confronted yet again with this past I'd rather just forget. We were walking the puppy and playing while we waited for Sydney to get out of school. I noticed a car crawling next to us and I turned to look. It was someone from the past. She looked the other way when I saw her and sped off. It's not the first time I've seen her in my inner sanctum. I've spotted her driving by our house, trying to peek in to my truck in the parking lot to see my children, or coming too close in a grocery store when I wasn't looking. How do I protect my children from this? Is she a threat to their physical and emotional state? Or only their emotional? Is she even considered a threat to the younger ones if they have never met her? What if Sydney was with us and recognized her?

I know there are stalker laws in place in our state, but does it need that? Am I protecting their rights without reason?

I have a lot to think about tonight.

It's the everyday things...

After spending an entire Sunday morning doing errands with the whole family, I'm especially proud to say they all behaved brilliantly. It's been a long time since we've been able to go out and do something as mundane and long as errands all morning and have everyone still keep some part of their sanity. Chloë's behaviour has been stellar. We made an agreement and she held up more than her end of the bargain. She was supposed to control her anger and violence towards others for a full week before I let her get her ears pierced. She went above and beyond. Today is day 7 of not throwing a fit, but her ears got pierced yesterday anyways. She has not only stopped screaming at everyone and trying to hurt us, but also volunteering to help clean or do whatever needs to be done to help out someone in her family. I give her 5 stars for the weekend!

To add to our growing need for good karma, we found a purse this weekend in Walmart. I peeked inside to see if it was one they were selling or one that someone had left behind. I saw an inhaler in side. :( Kevin volunteered to bring it to Guest Services, but spotted the old woman on his way there. She was very grateful and admitted it was the second time that day she had misplaced her purse. She covered Kevin in "God Bless You"s and continued on her way. He says he's immune to hell now. :)

Signs signs everywhere are signs...

Spring is coming! While I was driving up the ramp to the highway I saw a small square sign stuck securely in the ground. It had a square patch of earth and grass around it and the rest was snow as far as the eye to see. The sign said "Christmas Trees and Wreaths. Take Airport Exit." It's been stuck under these giant snow banks for at least three months. I love winter, but it's nice to see signs of spring coming. The dogs and kids and I are able to get out more now and before we know it winter will be back and welcomed. :)