Before and After...so far!

Greta dug deep and found me some great before pictures to reference! The problem with being so overweight is you try to exclude yourself from all pictures. So the only pictures you are left with are the ones others take that you aren't even aware of. They are the worst of all. :) But, I'm still proud and I still did it all by myself! I've dropped my BMI by 12 points and 85 pounds lost!! Yahooo!

ER Trip

Yesterday we couldn't get C's asthma under control so we had to pack up and go to the emergency room. It was very nerve wracking! She was coughing so much that she vomited. We just couldn't get her to catch her breath. She wasn't able to even keep a thermometer in her mouth after the nebulizer and the inhaler. We were there very late and sent home finally. She has a resperitory virus that is triggering the asthma. That's why we are having such a hard time controlling it. Ugh. I hope she starts to feel better soon because I didn't get much sleep. I was so worried she'd start up again last night.

I can't stand my Grandmother

I just talked with my grandmother and I am beyond fuming mad. I can't talk to my parents because it will hurt and upset them and they don't need that right now. I need to get it out. I have to take you back a year or two for this to make sense. February of 05 I had my gallbladder out in emergency surgery. Syd was sleeping over at my grandmother's house that night and when my Dad called to let Syd know that I was having surgery, my grandmother and my aunt riled up Syd and told her that I had known about it and left her out of the loop. Annoyed The next day when I was being discharged from the hospital my grandmother was going to let syd go out with my aunt to go shopping without ever checking with Kevin since I was out of it. Kevin had called and said as soon as I get Aggie settled I'm coming for Syd. We found out that she was just going to do what she wanted anyways and my Dad went over and took Syd home to me and yelled at my grandmother. 3 days later Gram asked if she could come over to see me. Kevin told her I didn't want any visitors and I was resting. That when I wanted visitors I would call her. She then talked to my Dad that morning and he told her the same thing. She showed up at the door to my Dad's, where I was staying, with cookies hoping that would get her in the door. My Dad lost it! He completely lost his cool and screamed at her that I was sick and didn't want anyone around and slammed the door on her face. Not nice and he has apologized since then for it. He felt like he was stuck between a rock and a hard place taking care of me and the girls while kevin worked and she was invading my space.
Fast forward to fall of that year when someone leaked to my grandmother and aunt that my dad has prostate cancer. My Dad didn't want to tell them because they tell everyone in the world about everything and were spreading rumors that my dad had mental issues and that's why he was mad at my Grandmother for trying to bust in and give syd to someone she knows I don't let Syd go with.

Friday, we found out my Dad's cancer has spread to his spine. Sad We are beyond upset and devastated. It feels like we keep taking steps backwards. My Mom told my Grandmother Sunday that he had cancer in his spine. We thought she was learning because she asked my Mom if she minded if my aunt knew too.

I talked to Gram today and she was talking about how happy she is that my mom talked to her and that it's been obvious that something was going on and that this explains so much. I told her that we just found out Friday. She said oh yeah well didn't your dad have cancer last year. I said yes it's the same cancer it's spread in to his bones. I'm so pissed that she's taking so much glee from this! She loves a tragedy and wants to be kept in the loop. Annoyed

Thank you if you made it this far. I'm just so upset about my Dad and that someone out there is happy that he's sick. He's an amazing, friend, husband, father and grandfather. He's done everything for my grandmother up until the gallbladder surgery. She makes me so mad and angry. I hope this even made sense as I'm so mad trying to type it out!

I feel like I'm in a movie...

We had the appointment with the oncologist today. My Mom, Dad, A and I all went. A was a sport! She ate her snacks and colored in her book. She was as she said she would be "Quiet as a mouse."

We did the standard blood draw and health checks. Even though I missed the last appointment and it was my first time meeting Dr. T. I could tell when he came in the room that a black cloud had followed him in. He shook our hands and said hello to everyone before sitting down. He said he had the results of my Dad's tests. The CAT scan showed abnormalities in his spine. The radiologist had called Dr. T. right away. The room spun and kind of warped at the edges. I had to fight to regain control. I knew I was going to be the one taking in the most of the information. How could they be doing better than I was? He went on to say the bone scan confirmed the CAT scan results and the cancer has spread to his back.

He's going to start hormone therapy today...I just can't write more now.

Sing it loud and sing it proud! 75 pounds lost!!

Here's to the good posts! The kind that make us feel warm and fuzzy and happy!! I'm going to post pictures to note my weight loss so far. I walk a lot and just eat s-l-o-w-l-y. That's it. I don't not eat something I want to eat, because it will make me want it even more. So I'm patting myself on the back. Here's to 75 pounds lost in the last year!
Here's an unflattering picture from my biggest.

And here is at my sister's wedding. I've lost 10 more pounds since then so I'm a wee bit smaller. I bought size 18 jeans and they are starting to slip down a bit lately. :D



Woohoo!!! I can't wait to be able to say I've lost 100 pounds! :D

She left him...again

G left her husband last night. I guess he's been cheating on her. She's known about it for two weeks and they were doing marriage counseling. Yesterday she found out he's still been in contact with the girl. So everyone trooped up to her house. Well, not everyone. His parents and my Dad. They've only been married 4 months. Gee, I really didn't see this coming. *insert sarcasm* She left the baby too. She moved in to my parent's house and left the baby with him. There is no way I could leave my baby. Even if it meant making him sleep on the couch or me so I could still see her morning and night. I'm so glad I'm not in the middle of that mess! She hasn't told me anything yet. My Mom and Dad told me about it. Last time she decided to get back together with him I told her that rescuing her 5 times from the same guy in two years is too much for me. I told her that I still care for her, but for my own self preservation I couldn't be a yo-yo and continuously watch her return for more.

Alone

I feel so alone. I have so much going through my head and I don't feel like there is anyone to talk with. The four people closest to me are my parents, K and L. L is across the country and as much as I know she'd like to can't reach out and hug me. I can't talk with my parents, they have enough on their plate and are already leaning on me. K is always there for me, but sometimes when things get really bad I can't talk to him. I know he'll listen and be there and support me, but it's harder to talk to him because I break down and sob when he holds me. I can let everything go when he's there. And sometimes it's harder. I'm reminded of Julien's burial and how we couldn't look at each other with out sobbing. We held hands and knew we were there for each other, but somehow looking into each others eyes meant falling apart and down together.