I want to be well!

I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I've been not feeling well. I don't seem to be getting better. Kevin's boss was nice enough to put me on the insurance sooner. Yay! So I went to the dr Tuesday. They are checking for problems with my liver and other blood tests. I am also being sent to the GI doc and a neurologist for my migraines. Oh yeah and I have an infection in my kidneys. I'm so tired all the time! I can't make the kids dinner. I keep trying to drag myself out of bed to do chores or just play with them and I end up back in bed with my girlfriends hanging with me since I can't hang with them. ARRRGH! Hopefully soon we get some answers and I can start living!

Happy Birthday Julien

How can it have been four years already since I held my only baby boy? How can it be so much longer until I hold him again? I know you are around Julien. I feel you and I've caught a glimpse lately. Daddy has too. We miss you so very much! Nothing in this world or any other could stop us from holding you again. My heart breaks every time I think of not hugging you and snuggling in to the top of your head. I miss you. I really want to celebrate your birthday, like we do with your sisters. It's so hard for me to. I want to celebrate that I had even a chance to spend with you. I'm just so wrapped up in what I'm missing with you. I want to see you blow out candles on your cake. Open presents and smile and laugh. Those are my always unanswered wishes. Just to hold you and love you . It seems that lately even forming words out loud or typing them out is difficult. I've become a bit of a recluse in my head and heart. Today as always I will think of you. I am forever grateful for your sisters. For without them I don't know if I'd still be walking this earth. The pain of losing you is so much. It makes my heart ache for those that have lost their babies as children or adults. The pain they must feel!

Your sisters are in the kitchen eating breakfast and playing with the dog and cat. I can hear them giggling and teasing each other. This morning I picture you out there with them. Laughing and squealing. I'd love to hear one of them tattle on you. I'd love to see all the things you'd get in to. But I will spend the rest of my life having never seen your smile. In my heart I know what you look like smiling and lately I feel like that picture is getting clearer. Is that you? Tonight when Daddy comes home I'll picture what your relationship would have been with him. The two of you teamed up against all us girls. It would have been such fun. I hope you are enjoying watching us grow and learn. We wish we could watch you too.

I will always love you! I'm crying too much to continue. I'll write again soon.
Love,
Mommy